The Dregs of Summer (Filmicly Speaking)

The Dukes of Hazard
Yeehaw! Let's make a movie that has deep roots with the American People and take some 'artistic liberties' with characters and themes! Then, when the movie-going peoples are startin' to get mad... we'll throw some titties at 'em! If that don't work, we'll keep 'em distracted with some impressive driving stunts, chases, and jumps! They won't know what hit 'em! Hoo-doggie!

Broken Flowers
*typical critical review*
Jim Jarmusch's newest is a quiet film about revisiting the mistakes of the past and learning that everything, even the worst memories, can be looked upon with humor and kindness.

*mine*
It's a Jarmusch film so you know it's going to be slow and still.
It's post-50 Bill Murray so you know it will be funny, sad, and have a delightful arty flare.

Both are correct. I like Jarmusch (usually) and I like Murray (always) so I liked this movie. If you have a problem with either... you already know you're not going to see it.

The Aristocrats
So, this guy walks into a movie theater, having no idea what he has just paid to see, and asks the person sitting next to him what the film is supposed to be about.
As a response, the guy grabs his wife and starts kiss her. While this is happening, he stands, takes off his pants, and defecates all over the seat and floor. Clutching his wife by the hair, he punches her twice in the face, and crams her face into the fecal mess he just made. While is wife is struggling against the guy's hand, he snaps her neck like a twig, rips off her head, and proceeds to felate himself with her decapitated head. He finished with a Tourette's induced spate of "The 28 Words You Can't Say On TV", chucks his dead-wife's head at the theater screen, claps his hands and says "Ta-Da!"
The man, sorry he ever walked into the theater, asks, "What the hell is this movie called?"
The guys says, "The Aristocrats!"

Four Brothers
Singleton has been out of the 'hood too long. Need proof? Marky Mark (Monk D) Wahlberg as the lead. I've got nothing against Mark Wahlberg, in fact, he puts my ass in the seat, but... he hasn't been 'hood since 1991. Now, he's just a tough-ass Boston boy.
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
This movie was written by two white guys. Singleton was brought in to "'hood it up". It's clear the writers (and whomever Singleton brought in for rewrites) knew a little something about the way things go down on the streets but... a corporate conspiracy? WTF!?!?!
This movie quickly devolves into an action flick, which is fine... but that's not how it's marketed and that's not what they wanted it to be so, therefore, this movie fails.

Skeleton Key
You remind me of a man.
What man?
The man with the power.
What power?
The power of HooDoo.
Who do?
You do.
Do what?
Remind me of a man.

Valiant
I tried to come up with a witty something with Michael Eisner sitting behind his desk, crying, with the barrel of a revolver crammed in his mouth, thinking about how he pootched the best thing that ever happened to him or Disney.
I also had some lame analogy with Vanguard Animation being the iceberg and Disney being the Titanic... it was the only other historically colossal 'DUH' laden with as much irony that is prevalent in pop-culture.
Eisner, you fucked up. Big.

40 Year-Old Virgin
Brace yourself kids... this is a movie about adults having sex.
*shock* *horror* *dismay*
This is a teen-sex-comedy for adults. The jokes are exactly the same but skewed to an older set. Instead of one or two failed attempts at intercourse... we get dozens.
Oh, and everyone has a job, doesn't live with their parents, and can drink legally.
I know! Why would anyone want to see a movie about old people having sex?
Because it's funny. Just like "Dream On" was funny.
This is the dawning of the age of Steve Carell.

Red Eye
You know that guy in the crowd screaming "Don't go upstairs!", "Lookout, Bitch! He in the shower!", and "His gun got a silencer so you know his shit's together. You know das' right!".
     That guy hated this movie.
You know the guy you overhear, has your leaving the theater, saying stuff like "Why did he have a gun AND a knife... it only meant that when he lost the gun he only had a knife to fall back on. I mean, if he was fighting with someone an THEY now have his gun... he's bringing a knife to a gunfight. He's a bad hitman."
     That guy hated this movie.
It was simple, thought out, and had a main character that cared more about her father's safety than her own. That put this movie WAY over Mr.Bitch-why-you-runnin-upstairs and Mr.Dumbass-brings-a-knife-to-a-gunfight's heads.
Speaking of heads, Cillian Murphy's is huge to the point of distraction.
To recap...
overheard stupid people: "Tsk. This movie stupid."
overheard smart people: "Hmm. A tad far-fetched and un-thought out."
overpaid film critic: "A by-the-book thriller from, the master of horror, Wes Craven."

Up-to-Speed

Wedding Crashers
Finally, someone doing something interesting with the Romantic Comedy genre. Funny and packed with tits (calling them 'breasts' would be to regal and 'boobies' wouldn't do them justice).
This one is up there with Zoolander and Dodgeball.

Sky High
I'll be damned... they didn't take themselves seriously. It's a PG Disney movie with just enough subtle stuff for the adults. I know I'm supposed to be hatin' all over everything but I was really suprised by this movie. I expected it to be JUST for kids. It's not.

The Island
Oooooo, the Future! If there is one thing film has taught me about the future, it's that no one ever learns from what the past used to think about the future.
This movie takes place 14 years from now (2019 for those with math issues). Cloning is an exact science, cars can fly, and only Whites, Asians, and pro-football players with Nike endorsements have money.
Now... 14 years ago (1981), what did we think of The Future... cloning would be an exact science, cars should be flying, and only Whites, Asians, and Nike-endorsed-pro-footballers will have money.

"The Island" is a chilling vision of a fantastic future.
(you'll do well to note the dripping sarcasm implied by the italics)

It's a Michael Bay film so the action is tight and impressive. Bruckheimer wasn't involved so no one will ever use the terms 'unflinching' and 'bleak' when refering to this, particular, vision of The Future. (I'm sorry to reduce her to this but...)Scarlett Johansson looks amazing, even when sporting the "what is this 'coffee' you speak of?" face, which she wears for the last half of the movie. Props to Ewan and the digital compositors for the Ewan talking to Ewan sequences.
Wait! I'm not done ragging on the inconsistent 'future'-logic and the glaring plot holes... ah, never mind. It's got Scarlett for the guys, Ewan for the girls, and explosions everwhere inbetween.

Stealth
I was too busy being impressed with the shear amount and quality of the special effects shots to notice how unbelivably medocre this movie is.
Mad props to the CG and composite teams.
To those responsible for the ADR... your fired.

Hustle & Flow
Being a prostitute is cool. Being a pimp is cooler.
Beating on women is cool. Beating on famous people is even cooler.
Showing up late to a trend and acting like you thought of it first is cool. Shooting people because no one cares about you or your band is cooler.
Spending time at the county jail is cool. The woman you love having a child and your record going to #1 while you are in jail is even cooler.
Oh, I'm sorry... did I just spoil this movie for you?
Clearly you don't watch VH1.
This was 2 hours of "When Keepin'It Real Goes Wrong."

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Everyone is SO busy harping on Depp's appearance or odd acting choices. Roger Ebert, Peter Travers at Rolling Stone, and the Village Voice's Ed Park all liken him Michael Jackson. Hey guys... not EVERYTHING is ripped from today's headlines. At least most of the overseas critics managed to see this film for what it is... a delightfully absurd children's film for adults that kids will probably enjoy also.
This story is about a man, not a boy. While both the book and film are titled "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" - look at which character has an arc. This is the story of a bizarre, candy-obsessed, recluse seeking to find a child he can raise to be a man crazy enough to continue the Wonka legacy.
Yes, it is a dark story, yes, Willy Wonka is a disturbed man, yes, the moral lessons are a tad sadistic, but if you've read the book (or any Roald Dahl for that matter) you'll know that it's the adults that are the broken - not the kids.
Depp's Wonka is creepy because a grown-ass man behaving like a child is creepy. If you weren't so obsessed with labeling everyone a pedophile you might actually feel sorry for a kind a brillant man robbed of his childhood by an overbearing father (I'm well aware that Willy's childhood trauma isn't in the book... but a man as destroyed as Willy Wonka needs some backstory). Willy Wonka isn't Michael Jackson. Stop thinking it's poignant and enjoy the damn movie!

Herbie: Fully Loaded
It's a Herbie movie. If you know what that means, then you know what to expect.
Being something of an Animist, Herbie will always have a place in my heart.

The Bad News Bears
I can't get enough of Billy Bob cussing at 10-year olds.

The Devil's Rejects
Well look at that! That family of crazed-sociopaths is killin' people and swearing like... well... like a family of crazed-sociopaths.
While there is some plot somewhere in this movie, really, it's about Rob Zombie's hot wife running around, being crazy, dropping the f-bomb EVERY 10 seconds, and messin' with people before they die at the hands of someone in said family of crazed-sociopaths.
Not so much a scary movie (there aren't any *jump* scares) as it is a 'my lord, these people are sadistic!' and 'Ah! Now THAT was gory!' movie.

Let The Hating Begin

Having not posted for over a month AND not getting to the theater for a few weeks, I am WAY behind so bear with me while I play a quick and dirty game of catch-up.
This is all the stuff I've been sitting on.
The next post is will bring me up-to-date.

The Honeymooners
Having been the only white guy in the theater, I'm not sure I have the right to question the validity of this movie. Why was this movie made? Who thought the Black Community would better appreciate this remake? Am I missing something? How is this 'The Honeymooners' in any way other than by character's names and occupations? Is there some huge African-American Nick@Night constituency I'm unaware of? Not to play the race-card...I have a feeling this was Hollywood thinking that by taking a Caucasian franchise and throwing some funny Black comedians at it, they thought they could make the White folk into feel hip and included and trick the Black folk into seeing a shitty movie.

Cinderella Man
Oscar bait. Ron Howard Oscar bait, but Oscar bait none-the-less. At least it didn't pull the Million Dollar Baby bait-and-switch.

Batman Begins
Fuckin'A Chris Nolan! Fuckin'A Batman! I don't ever need to see Cillian Murphy (Scarecrow) again but I will end up seeing Red-Eye because it is Wes Craven. $10 says they don't have the balls to follow through with Mark Hamill as the Joker in the next one.
(for those of you looking at me cock-eye'd... Mark "Luke Skywalker" Hamill has voiced The Joker for all things animated and Batman since 1992)

Howl's Moving Castle
Why did someone make Anime out of a screenplay written by an Oxford educated Englishwoman? Miyazaki gets away unscathed because of Totoro, Kiki, and Mononoke.

Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants
The weirdo, the hottie, lil' miss sheltered, and the token minority buy some pants and go on vacation. Virginity is lost, innocence is shattered, confidence is found, tears are jerked, and a dead girl makes a movie. I'm told the books are better. I cringe at the thought of a film series.

Rize
A beautiful documentary about David LaChappelle not getting it. The scary thing about this film is that this level of violence is only obvious to Americans.

Land of the Dead
Romero is back and his zombies are smart! You ain't had fun 'til you've seen a zombie use a machine gun.

War of the Worlds
Can I pay $9 dollars to listen to Dakota Fanning whine for 2 hours? Half the movie is Spielberg doing his special effects thing... the other half is people hiding in a basement. Whoopty-crap.

Bewitched
Nicole Kidman, what have you done to your face?!?! Why are you blond?!?! You are almost 40... stop trying to be cute! You've sculpted all the 'cute' off your face!
Will Ferrell is as Will Ferrell does.

March of the Penguins
Mother Nature owes these birds a serious apology. See this documentary, revel in Morgan Freeman, and curse your maker because you will never know the love of an Emperor Penguin.

Dark Water
Koji Suzuki needs to find something else to be scared of. Ok, I get it - little girls drowned by bad parents in local water supplies looking to hurt anyone that doesn't love them implicitly = scary. What people don't know is that 'Dark Water' (the book) is a collection of short stories. There are 3 more of these bad boys waiting to be turned into movies in Japan then, assuming they track well with genki Japanese tweens, they will get remade in the States.

Fantastic Four
There is an old quote from someone who's name I have long-since forgotten... "Hollywood produces beautifully shot garbage." Thy name is Fantastic Four.

Undead
What is it about Kiwis making hyper-cartoony zombie movies with loads of gore, horrible dialogue, and the most random of plots? Why are they some much fun to watch?

Rebound
Ha ha, Martin Lawrence is out of money, ideas, and job offers. If Rebound doesn't prove it, Big Momma's House 2 should.
P.S. - What must it be like, as a teen entering puberty, to know that you have a career because you look and sound like a complete loser? Movies about nerdy, fat, or ugly kids piss me off. Look at what happened to Tracey Gold - and all her fat-jokes were ironic. I weep for the cast of Heavyweights.

/// Analysis of Criticism ///

Anyone that does anything should, at some point, stop and reflect on how they do what they do and how they feel about it.

Part of being an artist is being a critic. Hell, most art begins in criticism ("Wow, all these bands suck! I'm going to start my own band and we are gonna do it right!")

Now, I am reluctant to call myself an 'artist' because I've only ever made one film, 4 years ago, and it was only 9 minutes long. Yes, it was well received and I may have done 'art' but... 'artist' implies repeating the act. Why haven't I continued 'art'-ing?.. mostly because I'm still trying to figure out what I love and hate about modern film.

This is also the reason I stopped posting (if you noticed - the last post was back in June). I found myself saying nice things about movies I could have done without seeing. I also found myself enjoying movies that offended my 'artistic' sensibilities. I needed to wrap my head around what inspires me and what pisses me off.

A month and a half later...
I feel about the Hollywood formula the same way I feel about corporate music - I find it distasteful and offensive but it is what I cut my teeth on and what made me choose these fields as areas-of-'artistic'-interest.

Meaning - there will always be a spot in my heart for the pandering drivel holed up at the local grind house, but, Hollywood needs to push things forward.

I'd love to sit here are sing the praises of all the 'independent' filmmakers out there "making the movies they want to make" but they, in turn, are pandering to the big guys in an effort to stop being independent.

I can't snow these people anymore.

David Kelly falls off the map for 4 years and returns to pen a Tony Scott film, helm a The Rock / Sarah Michelle Gellar-Prinze Jr. / Sean Wm. Scott vehicle, and to release a Darko 'Directors Cut'?!?!

Spike Jonze... 3 years later you announce something promising and begin work on a children's movie? (I am willing to concede some room to the children's movie being "Where The Wild Things Are" as written by Dave Eggers)

Chris Cunningham, "Necromancer" has been scrapped and "Rubber Johnny" took 4 years and is 6 minutes long.

Robert Rodriguez went the Eddie Murphy route and lost his edge. (I know what you're thinking but "Sin City" was long and slow)

Sophia Coppola... "Marie-Antoinette"? The only thing that gives me hope is the cast.

Steven Soderbergh - I understand that you use the corporate shill money to finance your experiments, but... to jump from "Bubble" to "Che"... what ever happened to the late 90's Soderbergh that made the money with movies that walked the line like "Out of Sight" and "The Limey"?

The few really holding up their end are David O Russel, Michel Gondry, Wes Anderson, and Jim Jarmusch.

I am WAY off topic...

I'm trying to reconcile the two distinct halves of my filmic brain. The problem... if I lean toward the "Hooray For Hollywood!" side, almost every movie becomes worthwhile to someone and the 'edgy' stuff is too niche. If I lean in the opposite direction, nothing is watchable except for the films SO conceptually stylized that no one in their right mind would go see them when they could watch stuff blow up for 2 hours and not run the risk of bumping into a subtitle.

Do I want to be a sycophant to The Academy or do I want to wallow in my own pharisaical canting?

Maybe both?
Embrace the duality of man and write two reviews for every movie?
Isn't that what I've kind-of been doing?