The Dregs of Summer (Filmicly Speaking)

The Dukes of Hazard
Yeehaw! Let's make a movie that has deep roots with the American People and take some 'artistic liberties' with characters and themes! Then, when the movie-going peoples are startin' to get mad... we'll throw some titties at 'em! If that don't work, we'll keep 'em distracted with some impressive driving stunts, chases, and jumps! They won't know what hit 'em! Hoo-doggie!

Broken Flowers
*typical critical review*
Jim Jarmusch's newest is a quiet film about revisiting the mistakes of the past and learning that everything, even the worst memories, can be looked upon with humor and kindness.

*mine*
It's a Jarmusch film so you know it's going to be slow and still.
It's post-50 Bill Murray so you know it will be funny, sad, and have a delightful arty flare.

Both are correct. I like Jarmusch (usually) and I like Murray (always) so I liked this movie. If you have a problem with either... you already know you're not going to see it.

The Aristocrats
So, this guy walks into a movie theater, having no idea what he has just paid to see, and asks the person sitting next to him what the film is supposed to be about.
As a response, the guy grabs his wife and starts kiss her. While this is happening, he stands, takes off his pants, and defecates all over the seat and floor. Clutching his wife by the hair, he punches her twice in the face, and crams her face into the fecal mess he just made. While is wife is struggling against the guy's hand, he snaps her neck like a twig, rips off her head, and proceeds to felate himself with her decapitated head. He finished with a Tourette's induced spate of "The 28 Words You Can't Say On TV", chucks his dead-wife's head at the theater screen, claps his hands and says "Ta-Da!"
The man, sorry he ever walked into the theater, asks, "What the hell is this movie called?"
The guys says, "The Aristocrats!"

Four Brothers
Singleton has been out of the 'hood too long. Need proof? Marky Mark (Monk D) Wahlberg as the lead. I've got nothing against Mark Wahlberg, in fact, he puts my ass in the seat, but... he hasn't been 'hood since 1991. Now, he's just a tough-ass Boston boy.
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
This movie was written by two white guys. Singleton was brought in to "'hood it up". It's clear the writers (and whomever Singleton brought in for rewrites) knew a little something about the way things go down on the streets but... a corporate conspiracy? WTF!?!?!
This movie quickly devolves into an action flick, which is fine... but that's not how it's marketed and that's not what they wanted it to be so, therefore, this movie fails.

Skeleton Key
You remind me of a man.
What man?
The man with the power.
What power?
The power of HooDoo.
Who do?
You do.
Do what?
Remind me of a man.

Valiant
I tried to come up with a witty something with Michael Eisner sitting behind his desk, crying, with the barrel of a revolver crammed in his mouth, thinking about how he pootched the best thing that ever happened to him or Disney.
I also had some lame analogy with Vanguard Animation being the iceberg and Disney being the Titanic... it was the only other historically colossal 'DUH' laden with as much irony that is prevalent in pop-culture.
Eisner, you fucked up. Big.

40 Year-Old Virgin
Brace yourself kids... this is a movie about adults having sex.
*shock* *horror* *dismay*
This is a teen-sex-comedy for adults. The jokes are exactly the same but skewed to an older set. Instead of one or two failed attempts at intercourse... we get dozens.
Oh, and everyone has a job, doesn't live with their parents, and can drink legally.
I know! Why would anyone want to see a movie about old people having sex?
Because it's funny. Just like "Dream On" was funny.
This is the dawning of the age of Steve Carell.

Red Eye
You know that guy in the crowd screaming "Don't go upstairs!", "Lookout, Bitch! He in the shower!", and "His gun got a silencer so you know his shit's together. You know das' right!".
     That guy hated this movie.
You know the guy you overhear, has your leaving the theater, saying stuff like "Why did he have a gun AND a knife... it only meant that when he lost the gun he only had a knife to fall back on. I mean, if he was fighting with someone an THEY now have his gun... he's bringing a knife to a gunfight. He's a bad hitman."
     That guy hated this movie.
It was simple, thought out, and had a main character that cared more about her father's safety than her own. That put this movie WAY over Mr.Bitch-why-you-runnin-upstairs and Mr.Dumbass-brings-a-knife-to-a-gunfight's heads.
Speaking of heads, Cillian Murphy's is huge to the point of distraction.
To recap...
overheard stupid people: "Tsk. This movie stupid."
overheard smart people: "Hmm. A tad far-fetched and un-thought out."
overpaid film critic: "A by-the-book thriller from, the master of horror, Wes Craven."