LongestYard

This is a popcorn flick for people that enjoy football injury blooper-reels. It isn't deep. It doesn't have any layers. It is meant to be watched and enjoyed. Period.

For those worried about the "Adam Sandler Factor"... he doesn't do THE VOICE and he even avoids making THE FACE.

Go. Watch. Enjoy. Leave the date at home.

Madagascar

I believe the list of 'things every CG film must have' is as follows...

- a song that every child can sing ad nauseum OR one that will win you a Grammy
- oodles of references to pop culture that even a five-year old can spot instantly (and maybe a few tossed in for the adults)
- jokes and situations that are inappropriate for children but are constructed in such a way as to be beyond their grasp
- lots of people / animals / aliens / getting hit on the head or in the genitals

Madagascar is no different.

There isn't much acting happening in this film, but it is good to see David Schwimmer working again.

Madagascar points for being adventerous with character design.

Really... that's about it. This is just another in a long line of CG kid's films.

The Incredibles is still undefeated.

Monster-In-Law

How quickly we forget the Jennifer Lopez can act. She is as sweet and lovable, in this film, as she can be.

Jane Fonda gives an exhausting performance. It's been a while since someone made that type of manic look graceful.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that this isn't a romantic comedy. I know... I know... It looks like a romantic comedy and sounds like a romantic comedy, but it sure doesn't behave like a romantic comedy. The bulk of the film takes place while the male love interest is off on a business trip.

This is a fairly dark comedy about two women duking it out in that innately female way. Add Wanda Sykes to the vitriol and you've got three women kicking some serious comedic ass. I have to admit, I was surprised at just how funny this film was. I was expecting fluff - I was pleasantly surprised.

HOWEVER - I could have done without the stereotype next door. I'm talking about the obligatory gay neighbor. Points to the writers for not making him overtly flaming (though he does let his gay flag fly at times)m but, did he have to be effeminate? The character only served to pander to, not the gay community but, the people that think that being gay is endearing. I really wish TV and film would stop treating homosexuality like a commodity. I'm sick-to-death of the witty-lovable-happy-gay-metro-male best friend.
Carson, I'm glad you've made a career of your sexual orientation - I'm sorry you're nothing more than a stereotype.

StarWars:EpisodeIII-RevengeOfTheSith

Does anyone, seriously, need to review this film?
It's not like you don't know what to expect (this is a prequel with prequels).

I'll make this simple...
- JarJar doesn't say a word.
- The Anakin & Padme scenes are painfully high school.
- Yoda does his thing all over the place.
- General Grievous has four lightsabers.
- Wookie war.
- Lucas further illustrates how unaware of his own mythology he is and that he is incapable of making a succinct film.
- "Starwipe... and... cut." (Simpson's fans will get the reference - all others will simply gawk at the sheer number of wipes in this film)

Crash

People are always looking for reasons to hate each other.

If it's not your race - it's your religion.
If it's not your religion - it's your sexual preference.
If it's not your sexual preference - it's your politics.

You see the vicious cycle... Eradicating it means that you hate the haters.

Just by being... you are biased.

Crash deals with this type of racism. This is a good film with powerful intent. There is no good and evil - there is only human.

Kicking&Screaming

This feels like a movie Ben Stiller turned down.

This isn't an unfunny movie...

Look, this isn't a particularly good movie. It's slow, predictable, and suprisingly bland. Will Ferrell does his Will Ferrell thing and if you like that thing, then you will enjoy pieces of this movie.

Will Ferrell.

It's problems aren't Will Ferrell, the kids, or the kid's parents. Blame the script. Will Ferrell does everything in his power to save this film.

Will Ferrell. Will Ferrell.

If you like Will Ferrell and there is nothing else out you are interested in seeing... go see Kicking & Screaming. (Will Ferrell)
If you are the type of person that laughs a anything... go see Kicking & Screaming.
If you are an adult with the sense-of-humor of and 11-year old... go see Kicking & Screaming.
Everyone else... don't bother.
...except Will Ferrell.

Mindhunters

I feel sorry for this movie.

It tested very well and it got shelved for two years.
It is a solid entry into the FBI Profiler/Suspense/Serial-Killer category and it was largely ignored its opening weekend.

From here on out it gets to be Star War's bitch.

Ok, so this isn't a dramatic new telling of this type of story. Yeah, the Profilers being too busy profiling each other to actually stop and assess the situation gets pretty old. But hey, the deaths are cool. The setup is well throughtout. Yes, it has a twist for twist's sake, but it is just following convention.

Are we really so cruel, as a movie-going populace, that we hate all over movies that are simply trying to entertain?

If you like serial-killer / FBI profiler movies than this one is right up your alley.

Unleased (DannyThe Dog)

This film reviews itself.

a) Luc Besson (written by)
b) Jet Li (staring)
c) Bob Hoskins (staring)
d) Yuen Woo-ping (fight choreography)
e) Massive Attack (soundtrack / score)
f) RZA (end credits score)

If none of this means anything to you (and the links to don't help)...
This is a solid action flim with a good story and a lot of heart.

HouseOfWax

I don't know what's going on with the current crop of horror... but the last few horror flicks released have been well above par.

Yes, Ring Two was derivitive slop, yes, Alone In The Dark qualifies as one of the worst films to ever get a theatrical release (Uwe Boll needs to go away), and, yes, Cursed just plain sucked - but The Amityville Horror was really good, Boogyman was suprising and different, and, admit it, White Noise made you jump.

(for those keeping score... Grudge (ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh), Saw, and Darkness (shelved for two years for good reason) all happened last year so we can pretend they don't count - and, before you jump down my throat, Saw only sucked because it didn't have enough plot to be feature length, I'm not knocking the indie)

House of Wax has the, rather trite, setup of a bunch of camping teenagers drinking exsessively, having premarital sex, and making lots of stupid decisions. You know the types of decisions I'm talking about - the 'this entire situation could have been avoided if they hadn't decided to break into someone's house, make a lot of noise, accidently break some stuff, and hide upstairs' decisions.

This isn't a "BOO!" flick where stuff jumps out at you. With House of Wax you know when stuff is coming. The thing this movie does really well is the violence. There aren't any catchy one-liners or over-the-top elaborite deaths (although Paris Hilton dies really good). This is an old school late 70s / early 80s slasher. The violence is presented in a straight-foward manner to emphasize it's brutality.

What does this mean for the audience... instead of laughing when someone loses a hand - you clutch your own as if it was threatened.

You know your horror film is doing something right when the viewer has sympathy pains.

KingdomOfHeaven

Oh look, another historically innacurate epic war film.

I'd like to start out by noting that "the holy land" isn't the geographical name of a place, but rather a term of endearment foisted upon a piece of land by religious groups. Why does all the advertising say "holy land" instead of Israel? Are you afraid to say "Israel?" Are you trying not to step on any religious toes when your film is about one religion feeling superior to another and laying claim to a parcel of land that both are equally entitled to? I'm just asking.

Oh, and why did you feel the need to have Baldwin, the leper king, be integral in a war that started didn't start until a year after he was dead? If I wanted this kind of historical innacuracy I would watch Oliver Stone films.

Now, I understand "based on a true story" means that this is a work of fiction, but "set during the holy crusades" implies a certain degree of historical accuracy. It's okay if you want to make up a story about stuff that happened to a historical guy along the way to a historical place but you are not allowed to rewrite history, even if it gives the story more zing. This isn't someone telling their version of what happened - opinion is fine - I'm a big fan of opinion (clearly) - but, this is a blatent disregard for historical fact.

That aside... well acted, beautifully shot, interesting story, probably not enough war to appease the masses - I'm sick to death of these types of film. Ridley Scott, I love what you do, but, stop.

King'sRansom

Modern Black cinema is stuck in the '80s.

I submit for you approval "King's Ransom" starring Anthony Anderson and Jay Mohr.

The Setup - Malcolm King and his wife are in the throws of a divorce...
*wait*
Why am I recapping this film. Everyone has already seen Ruthless People. If you haven't... go see it instead of this pathetic rehashing.

If you needed more proof...
Soul Plane = Airplane!
Johnson Family Vacation = National Lampoon's Vacation
Love Don't Cost A Thing = Can't Buy Me Love
The Wash = Car Wash