Big Xmas Turds

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
Preface: I haven't read the book so I'm, clearly, not comparing the movie to the book. I'm taking this movie at face value.

I can't remember the last time I had this much difficulty sitting through a movie (maybe Sharkboy and Lavagirl). It was 2 hours and 10 minutes of plotless exposition being carried out by motiveless half-wits. No one has a reason to do anything... a beaver tells a child that they are supposed to kill a witch and the kids say, 'okay.'

The dialogue feels like it was written by a community-college english-lit wannabe with an IQ in the low 90s trying to write they way they think smart people talk.

The children are these faux-intelligent concoctions with an Oliver Twist stereotype as a base. I'm an only-child and even I could tell that the sibling interaction in this movie was laughable.

The largest plot-point that drove me absolutely crazy was that of Edmund's "betrayal". Edmund didn't betray anyone. The White Witch lied to him and when he realized he was being lied to, she locked his ass up. Everybody knew Edmund's side of the story. He told them, on two separate occasions, everything the White Witch had said and done. Yet, the key to his sibling's motivation is that Edmund "betrayed" them. He didn't, they know he didn't, whoever wrote this crappy screenplay was too dense to understand the subtle difference, and I can't buy motive predicated on bad writing.

As for the religious subtext that everyone can't shut up about... I'm sorry, but knowing about a magic loophole isn't resurrection. If Jesus knew that he would come back to life if he was stabbed with a spear while staked to the cross (as opposed to stabbed while tied to the cross) then... sure, TCoN:tLtWatW would have religious subtext. But, no, Jesus came back because he was the son of God. Aslan is nothing more than a talking lion.


King Kong
Preface: I'm looking at this Kong movie in a vacuum. I am not comparing it to the original or any other Kong related anything.
The cheese stands alone.

This movie is too long. I'm not just saying that because it clocks in at 3 hours and 7 minutes. I'm saying that because there are more than a handful of unnecessary scenes, redundant exchanges, over-repeated sequences, and shots that just... linger.

Why do I need backstory about Naomi Watts and her father when it never affects anything? Why spend 30 minutes telling me what a criminal Jack Black is if there are zero repercussions for his actions? The first three times Naomi and Kong looked into each other's eyes it was meaningful and profound. By the 5th, they were simple exchanges. By the 10th, it was nothing more than a staring contest.

I get it... when Kong runs around with Naomi in his hand he whips her from side to side and it hurts so she screams a bunch. I don't need to see it 5 times.

Which brings me to the composite work. I probably wouldn't have noticed how bad some of the CG compositing was if the shots hadn't lasted so long. I shouldn't have had time to notice that the lighting on person and the lighting on everything else where completely wrong. Why did they feel the need to use actual footage of Jack Black running between Brontosaurus legs when a CG JB would have looked so much better. You mean to tell me, you can make a CG Kong look amazing in close-up... but you can't make a CG Jack Black passable at 30 paces?

I understand that this is an epic story with a lot of ground to cover... I just think that, if this wasn't a post-LoTR Peter Jackson film, the studio would have made him cut it down a little bit. For fuck's sake, Kong doesn't even rustle the trees until 90 minutes into the movie. I'm not looking for a 2 hour movie - Kong could easily have been cut down to 2-and-a-half hours without sacrificing anything.

I know I'm harping on this movie and it's probably because I hated the LoTRs movies and I'm bitter about having lost one of my favorite quirky filmmakers to Costner-sized epics. Despite it's flaws, Kong is an impressive film. Jackson did a fantastic job with Kong's self-destructive last stand. The last 45 minutes of the film are utterly heart-breaking. As well they should be.

It's The Most Seasonal Time of The Year

Aeon Flux
Why wasn't this animated?
Everything wrong with this movie stems from it being live-action. Charlize Theron refusing to wear the signature skimpy costumes, the missing genetic intertwining of sex and violence, and the fact the people can't move like Aeon is supposed to move.

A perfect example... Spy A passes Spy B information by hiding the info in his tooth. When A and B meet in the park, they kiss. A sticks her tongue into B's mouth, flicks open the hollow tooth, and tongues the info into her own mouth. Simple. Classic Aeon.

This happened in the movie but we simple see A and B kiss and then this close-up of A's tongue as it cups the info. Here, it is implied, that B simple had the info in his mouth and A scooped it out.

Aeon Flux was brilliant because of the details. It's very clear that no one involved with this film understood the source material. If they had, it would have been animated.


Walk The Line
I don't know who said it but, damn it, it's true... "When Johnny Cash sings a song, it stays sung."
This is a paint-by-number biopic (obscurity -> success -> love -> -> stardom -> excess -> rock bottom -> overcoming -> back on top). If you saw Ray, you know Walk The Line's arc.
That said, the formula works for this film, probably because the formula is the formula for good reason AND because it's actually how Johnny's life played out.
Reese is good, Joaquin is amazing, and the music is spot on.
I would have enjoyed a little more with Elvis and Jerry Lee, but that's what sequels are for.

Ice Harvest
Damn it! I was really looking forward to this one. This movie sucked hard. So hard, in fact, they should give an Oscar to the guy that cut the trailer. That's a good trailer. It's made even better when you consider the shit movie that it's cut from.
Save your $9... here's the trailer (pops).

Just Friends
Amy Smart is cute and Ryan Reynolds does his Ryan Reynolds thing. Anna Faris is scary L.A. chick and Chris Klein is an asshole. Come to think of it... everyone but Amy Smart does asshole-ish things. This movie is all about assholes.
Add a splash of Farrelly-Brother grossout and you know where this movie lives.

Yours, Mine, Ours
It's the only family film out that doesn't rely on special effects to tell the story.
It's a bland remake of a 1968 movie of the same name helmed by Lucille Ball.
Rene Russo is the updated Lucille Ball.
The rest of the movie follows suit.

The Legend of Zorro
Does anybody care? I get it that The Mask of Zorro was a decent flick and it broke Zeta-Jones-Douglas to the world... but that was 7 years ago! Where is the demand for a sequel?
Let's see... Legend of Zorro had a budget of $80 million. Its opening weekend numbers... $16.3 million (USA only). After a month and a half in theaters it has only pulled in $45.1 million (USA only).
Clearly nobody cares.
Oh, wait - the review... typical Zorro. A bad guy has some ludicrous plan to destroy civilization, Zorro must ride again, his wife doesn't want him to, he does anyway, there are swords and explosions and trains (oh my!), Zorro wins, the people cheer, and his wife forgives him because he did such a good job protecting the common man.
Psssssbbbbbbt. (onomatopoeic raspberry's for the uninitiated)